mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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