Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
