I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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