There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
