I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
