I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
