It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize