He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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