When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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