i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
