I want to have your abortion
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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