I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize