My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize