Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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