what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
