i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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