Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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