The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
