just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
