Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My first STD was from a foam party
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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