I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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