She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You have to summon your inner elephant
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
