i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize