My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
