I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
