At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
