Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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