I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
