Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize