I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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