New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
we're making bets on your personal life
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i think my cat just said my name.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
