I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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