Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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