Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize