two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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