FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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