I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
