I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
