yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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