apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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