I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
