somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
