I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
