You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
