I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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