whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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