I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
