you guys were way drunker than both of me
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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