just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
