At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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