You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
