I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
