My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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