When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
