Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
