The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
