Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
