The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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