my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
