why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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